January, 2019 started with a sore throat that didn’t want to leave. After a throat culture, I was put on antibiotics for strep throat. The trouble with that is that once I completed the course of antibiotics, the sore throat was still with me. Culture after culture came back with the diagnosis of strep throat. Five courses of antibiotics only made me more ill and I still had a sore throat. Finally, I was referred to an immunologist who ran a ton of tests and revealed that I had chronic fatigue syndrome and that an old college friend had reared his ugly head and was the culprit of my longstanding sore throat and positive throat cultures! Chronic Epstein Barr Virus.

The frost laid itself heavy on the trees. I could feel winter settling into my bones. The house was always cold, so it seemed. This new medical revelation answered so many questions about my health throughout my life, since getting ill with EBV when I was a nineteen year old college student. By the time I met with the immunologist, my microbiome had been damaged from the many courses of antibiotics. There were days and weeks that I could barely hold down food and could only have soups and protein drinks. I saw my gastroenterologist and he ran another series of tests, where we discovered that my liver was affected by the antibiotics and was producing too much bile. He told me that it may repair itself or that it may be damaged for life and I would possibly have to be on medication for my liver for the rest of my life. I now have to have liver function tests done every three months. The combination of a constant sore throat, the complete exhaustion of chronic fatigue, a tired liver, a digestive system that could not handle food, along with other medical issues, my life had suddenly become very still.  When you are focusing on surviving each day and trying desperately to come up with a plan for healing, the buzz of the world outside of yourself becomes quiet. You don’t have time, nor does your body tolerate distractions. My body was calling out for me and I had to listen to it. It wanted all of my attention. My whole life, I had been unkind to my body. In my youth, I had starved it to be thin and had an eating disorder. I had exhausted my body with exercise bulimia for years. I was only allowed to eat if I exercised all of the calories off. I had not listened when my body was begging me for rest. I stayed up too late, ate the wrong things or didn’t eat at all. This new season of stillness awakened me to the understanding that this body, given to me by God, needed more nurturing, love and respect. I had to learn to love myself more fully, take note of all of the abuses that I had done toward my body through the years, look at the reasons behind these actions and have the courage to take one step at a time toward being totally surrendered to God, who knows everything about me and knows my needs.

I spent the entire year of 2019 in recovery, but I gained so much spiritual wisdom about my body, rest, loving myself fully, acceptance, forgiveness and perseverance. I guess that if I had to describe 2019 in one word, it would be “stillness”.  I could do nothing but wait, pray and believe. Every dose I took of the medication for my liver made me want to throw up. The doctor said that the side effects from it are so bad that many patients stop taking it, but I confessed with each dose that it was not going to be my new reality. I confessed that God was healing me and that I would be well again. I learned that I was hungry all of the time and could not eat. I learned that food was all around me and had always had a horrible relationship with it. There were family celebrations, picnics, birthdays, dinner dates in 2019 where I was surrounded by food and couldn’t eat. I also learned to feel grateful and feel satisfied with liquid protein, broth and jello. Going through illness is as much a spiritual experience as it is physical. I am now much more conscious of how I care for my body, the emotions I am feeling, my need for rest and nutrient dense food to care for all of the organs in my body. My liver and gastrointestinal system are still in recovery and there are still days when my body can’t handle solid foods, but I am so grateful that God revealed so much to me about recovery.

And so it is, January bids me to step into a new year. Jesus gave me the word, “Cultivate” as I prayed about the coming year, which is “to prepare for, to acquire or develop, to work at to make it better” according to Webster’s Dictionary. So, as I listen to the whispers of the Holy Spirit, I have been reading God’s word, spending time in stillness and praying over the plans and purpose for my life. I am being pulled to more stillness as I write about the wisdom God has imparted to me through adversity and His grace. I am being pulled to a life with less distraction. I am being pulled to help people through practical ministry (meeting physical needs) as well as online ministry. I am not sure how that all looks yet, but this year, my heart is to bring warm, cozy blankets and throws to people who need to feel hugged by God. On my list are 25 young adults in a transitional home for children who have outgrown the foster care system and would otherwise be homeless. I am drawing up plans for a non-profit ministry to help me reach more people with my workbooks, Bible study and so much more. If you want to help me reach my goals for the kids in the transitional home and beyond, the link to my wishlist is below:

Shop My Amazon Ministry Wishlist for 2020 Heart in Hand Project!

Please shop my Amazon wishlist to help me reach my ministry goals for 2020. When you shop from my list, you can check out and Amazon will take care of all of the mailing details. You can even write a message or prayer to be given to the recipient through the checkout on Amazon. I believe that when God is in a thing, He will provide. This is the beginning of something really beautiful that God has put in my heart to cultivate. As a former minister and hospital chaplain, the fun part of this project is that I will be the one delivering each blanket and will have an opportunity to talk with people one on one. For blankets distributed through online correspondence, either myself or my ministry team will have an opportunity to communicate with and follow up with each recipient.

May God bless you in 2020!

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11